I remember walking through university feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, wondering how I became such a failure.
It was a Thursday evening, I remember because that was the day IVCF(Intervarsity Christian Fellowship) would meet. I sat in the undercroft contemplating if I should make the effort to go to the meeting.
‘I remember struggling in this course and I had to do a re-sit. I studied hard, and prayed & fasted, and I’m here to testify that I got an A! God really came through for me.’
It seemed every week I heard these triumphant stories.
But that was not my story.
I was wrestling through re-sits of Math for Engineering, Systems & Controls and barely surviving the legendary Computer Programming course.
Each failed attempt felt like a huge L, tattooed on my forehead: loser.
I had to consider two possibilities; either I was really failing and flunking out and the lessons I was taught about being the head and not the tail were just poetic illusions OR my perception of what success actually looked like was faulty.
I had to decide whether my theology would be shaped by results… or relationship.
If God is only good when I pass the test, what happens when I fail?
At this point I didn’t even know if success was possible, but somewhere deep in my D.N.A, I knew I couldn’t quit. So I did what I knew to do. I mumbled through one of the shortest, angry, cry-prayers. It went something like this, “God, is either you help me or I’m done. Devil I will NOT quit, I submit to God – so GO! I love you Jesus 😊 Amen!”
In the quiet of that moment, I didn’t hear a voice. I felt no electricity, or warm tingling sensations; only a resolve in my spirit.
I went home to my ‘cave’ so I could read my bible, soak in God’s presence then study. It was in this season where I surrendered to the fact that success was not just about passing that exam, but it was actually living out God’s plan for me, one day at a time. I found peace knowing that every day of my life, every single moment was already documented and laid out before a single day had passed.
The exam I failed did not make me a failure, because that experience was already recorded in the books in heaven. How did I respond in failure? That’s where real success was forged.
I successfully finishing that degree, even though admittedly passing by the skin of my teeth😁
I became a pretty good engineer despite my rough beginning. And when God called me out of that field into ministry and entrepreneurship, I walked away, not as someone who quit, but as someone who obeyed; something I consider a success.
In various seasons of my life, success wore different faces.
Grieving with hope.
Starting over & choosing joy and peace, when projects or investments fell apart.
It looked like walking away from some relationships and being open to other mutually beneficial ones.
Building a healthy family.
Serving a community I love.
So whatever test you’re in right now—academic, emotional, financial, spiritual—don’t let temporary failure/setback convince you of permanent defeat.
Don’t limit yourself by thinking success is only about receiving certificates, accreditations, likes & follows. Graduation is about accurately measuring gradual change, from one level to another. It is about celebrating the completion of something and the commencement of something else.
You are graced to grow !
Keep going. Push through.
Partner with God’s plan; He will cause you to succeed.
Bloom in Solitude🌸
It’s great to see your work. You were always so brilliant as a child and then as a young lady. Keep up the good work. Will continue to follow your work.